Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache. He says, "You mean aspirin?" I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."

   The lottery, except it’s my Thanksgiving table wondering who will get the stuffing with my wife’s hair in it.

   The secret ingredient to my green bean casserole is taking my shirt off when I bake it

   The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

   Apparently when my wife asked which of her friends I wanted to invite for a birthday threesome I was supposed to give one name ... not two.

   Hand dryers in restrooms are just drying your washed hands with doodoo air...

   The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

   Wife: what are you doing Me: teaching the dog poker Wife: where are your pants Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

   Anyone have a lot of unused pregnancy tests? Hate to see all this pee go to waste.

   As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

   After much thought and consideration I've decided not to host the Oscars this year.

   The neighbors are already putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving who have obviously been shopping in Walmart.

   One thing my buddies and I all know is to never open your phone when your wife is around!

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

   I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them

   On Thanksgiving day, let us all be thanksful that we were not born as turkeys.

   I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.