Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Lebron is keeping a list... you know who else is keeping a list? Delonte West. and you know who's mom is on there???

   So Lebron is going to take mental notes on everyone who's been taking shots at him this summer... I mean, if it was actual notes, with like a pen and paper, I might be scared! but since it's mental notes... nothing to worry about!

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

   Dear Facebook, these people that you are suggestion her to friends with is making her sad. She thought you knew better than that.

   I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it's dirty again. This is bullsh*t.

   I'm just a boy.. standing in front of a girl.. asking her to love him.. long time.

   I'm so good at bullsh*ting that I just convinced myself I'm in a good mood.

   Have you ever just wanted to kick someone and scream "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

   You may not like her but Jesus thinks she's to die for

   A Pennsylvania woman alleges Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her at Epcot Center in Florida after she sought an autograph. Mickey and Minnie witnessed the event. Mr. Duck could not be reached for comment.

   I run 3-4 miles a day being a crook keeps me in shape... Cops are on the way ttyl!!

   thinks the markets are sliding faster today than a disgruntled flight attendant.

   I think Kid's Lemonade Stands would make more money if they started selling Mike's Hard Lemonade

   The biggest family reunions take place on the Powerball winner's front porch.

   So you REALLY have no clue how stupid you look with your over sized pants (with a belt) hangin so low. Really?

   FANFKNTASTIC.... I just ''accidentally'' discovered TWITTER!!.... Turns out its the spot in between a girls TW@T... And her SH*TTER......

   Twice already today I have warned my co-workers that I was on the verge of going "JetBlue flight attendant." It's the new "going postal."

   once blinded someone with science, which, unfortunately, turned out to be an A-class felony.

   just because I have my cell phone number in my information doesn't mean you have full range of using it.. I would feel like a pretty big creep if I just took someones number off their page before asking for it

   take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.