Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am very suspicious about joggers. It seems as if they are always the ones who find the bodies.

   Im starting a "stop breeding ugly children boycott" in front of the hospitals

   ohh really? no blisters if I use this right?

   It felt so good to delete you, I'd accept you just to do it all over again!!

   Remember what your elders used to say, "Birds of a feather flock together. If you're an eagle, don't hang around chickens: Chickens Can't Fly!

   Was about to put on my white jeans then realized ITS AFTER LABOR DAY! Phew, what a fashion mistake that would had been! So I put on my neon green parachute pants instead.

   tried to sell myself on Craigslist...now I'm "Censored."

   I've been given two weeks to live. The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

   Ass, Gas or Grass works on all hitchhikers until you see that 250 pound fat chick holding a full gas can with a doobie in her mouth and her thumb out...Keep driving! Keep driving!

   Of all the names for a cookie...who the hell came up with "Snickerdoodle"?

   I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.

   X When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement

   partying isnt wasting money. its investing in good memories! :D

   I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

   Amy Chavis Why do people write like this? It is really hard. "1 Wr!t3 L!k3 d¡s cu$ I r3a@lLy c@nT $p€ll"

   Freaking mosquito bite on my ankle, I would have rather got shot in the foot!

   There should be a statute of limitations on how long a person gets to blame their crappy childhood for their shortcomings.

   uhh... i'm no meteorologist but i'm pretty sure its raining b*tches..

   I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

   The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.