Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jet Blue steward Steven Slater offered reality show to help people quit their jobs. I'm gonna bet it won't be the first pilot he's done!

   When dogs leap onto your bed,it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed,it's because they adore your bed.

   Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn.

   When I die, I want to be buried with a ring of toasters surrounding me. That way, when Archaeologists dig me up in 1,000 years they'll say "Ohh she must have been important!"

   There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.

   A developer tears down trees and builds houses in the woods. An environmentalist already has a house in the woods.

   The people at Visa are going out of their way to give me credit. And for that, I'm deeply indebted

   I find elevator music to be very uplifting. Unless I'm going down.

   seeing your past and it hurts, must be L.O.V.E.... seeing your piss and it hurts, must be S.T.D...

   Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....

   I Cant imagine how boring taking a $hit would be without an iphone..

   Mom, I'm 16 now. Can I have a Bra? ...No, Justin.

   Looking through a girls photos and thinking "slut..slut..slut..slut" :D

   I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

   16-year-old Taylor Momsen says her best friend is her vibrator. In other news, Justin Bieber says he never goes anywhere without his buttplug.

   On an upcoming episode of "man vs wild" Bear encounters a crododile, shark invested waters and his most dangerous incounter, an out of control jet blue flight attendent.

   whenever somebody says "Stop Laughing! It's not funny you guys" means "It's funny, just lets please laugh about it later"

   There has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. This is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   Mom: With always having to pick up after you kids you'd think I'd be skinny. Kid: Just think how big you'd be if you didn't...

   so for some reason actually saw 5 minutes of twilight which has me placing garlic in all the toilets because pretty sure that's how vampires now enter your house