Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has always wondered why The Muppets had large protruding eyes. Then she realized that if she had a hand up her ass, her eyes would protrude too.

   today I didnt even have to use my ak....... gotta say it was a good day...

   rang British Telecom today and said "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said "Not you again."

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   I always feel sorry for John McCain on Election Night because I know it's past his bedtime.

   Many iPhone4 users are irrate that their wireless signal suddenly drops. Steve Jobs said the problem is in the software and recommends that they download the latest version of Apple's iDon'tcare.

   Are there any workout programs that target the face? You really need one of those.

   Yeah, come on over we're just pre-gaming for the grocery store.

   That psychic was terrible. She didn't even know I was going to run out without paying!

   Mr. Dentist you can b*tch at me all day to start flossing, but the truth is I'm more likely to watch Jersey Shore than I am to floss. I'd rather have a pincone shoved up my a$$ than watch jersey shore. So unless you've got a pinecone, stop wasting my time

   I stood in front of the condom rack at the drug store and asked random people in the store if they knew if there was a size bigger than magnum... then I went and asked the cashier, "Where is the fitting room?"

   A Ghostbuster... now everyone can stop asking who they're gonna call.

   heard the new Cubs regime was going to return the Team to thier Glory days...How can anyone possibly know what that was like???

   ‎"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

   ...Brad Pitt may favor death penalty after BP oil spill. Says execs should hafta watch “Meet Joe Black” over & over til they kill themselves!

   ... Knife-wielding intruder tries 2 break into Paris Hilton's home. So? 1 time, a forkwielding Kirstie Alley tried 2 break into my refrigerator!

   tired of trying, sick of crying... Yeah, sure I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying...

   All I know is I wouldn't do so good in the wizarding world. Every time I encountered a goblin I'd instinctively punt it.

   trust : is to deal with snakes and to know they wont bite you