Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your relationship is in trouble when she loads her vibrator with batteries from the TV remote, alarm clock and your pacemaker.

   a cop owning a doughnut shop, it makes perfect sense, cut out the middle man...

   I hope whilst they are recalling all these BMW's for faulty brakes, they fix their indicators cause I havnt found a BMW working indicator when i'm on the road B***std's

   I know how the saying goes....no pain, no gain. But my philosophy is no pain, no pain!

   wake me up when September ends.

   I'm not fat, I'm kidnap proof

   To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday...

   Hi, I'm chucky! wanna play?"

   Rise and shine Billie Joe Armstrong... It's October!

   It's only cheating if you get caught. Well, if you never get caught, you're stuck in two meaningless relationships.

   fixed a $2 toy with an $8 tube of glue. Because the rules of economics don't apply to parenthood.

   Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

   I get drunk and bid on ebay!

   I finally got my wireless internet to work...this is the best thing to happen to me since the negative pregnancy test...

   Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"

   If I ever go blind, I'm going to set up my entire house with strobe lights. That will really freak out my neighbors.

   I'm not a fan of Keebler cookies, or for that matter, anything else made by dirty elves in an unsanitary hollowed-out tree factory

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

   A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.