Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Listen: I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bs, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO? "

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy...if I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.

   Some see this as a heart < 3. I see it as boobs with a big party hat.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks entered in the Indy 500...it's not my forte'.

   there is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, who finally break up on facebook

   you are seven. Why do you have a phone? Who are you going to call....... Dora?

   alot of people when they go to concerts they yell out "Wooo! or Yeah!" I like to yell out more specific things like "The way you play you're Music makes feel Good Inside!!"

   Looks like somebody ate a bowl of b*tchflakes this morning.

   There must be something about being a teenager that makes it seem really important to have a whole bunch of sh*t hanging from your rearview mirror.

   I dry hump my mattress because I love my bed so much.

   I hate places like airports and stadiums that charge $5 for a water. If I wanted a $5 water, I'd buy a Bud Light.

   I wish my car had a "thanks!" horn in addition to the "get the f*ck out of my way" horn it came with.

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   The heart is the center of the body but beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason the heart is not always right.

   I don't understand why they call them men's dress shoes because they don't go with any of my dresses.

   I don't really care about being judged...as long as its not by a jury.

   I've never lost a water balloon fight since I started freezing the water balloons beforehand.

   The best part about "liking" someones status on Facebook is all 97 notifications for the conversation below between you and your friends.

   Email from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: No subject

   I'm still impressed with the dogs ability to play it cool about having eight nipples.