Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I just gotta take a ride on the Dude Train

   Sometimes I keep my car windows down just to allow other drivers the opportunity to see such a handsome man.

   I wish some1 would invent a pillow that has soap, deodorant, eggs, bacon, juice, my clothes & where I'm suppose to be already in it.

   just seen Roy Hodgson speeding down the motorway at 140mph, with a splif in one hand a can of Carlsberg in the other. This fella will do anything for 3 points!!

   off slapping people with pickles

   Breaking News: The National Weather Center has issued a tornado warning for Western NY. For your own safety head to Ralph Wilson Stadium, they're not worried about a touchdown there.......

   Majot Internet Lie committed by everyone: I Have read & agreed to the terms & conditions.

   facebook should have a "like" button and a "like omg" for blondes

   Where do babies come from? Two teenagers and a six-pack

   heard about the new miracle diet? Its called "The Garlic Diet", where you eat nothing but garlic, and you instantly look thinner... from a distance...

   Liking your own comment is like the facebook version of self-pleasure.

   Lamp shades: Hats of the future

   I'm gonna keep poking you until you bruise.

   I never read and will never read your 55 page terms of use. I will always agree, so stop asking me to confirm that I read it.

   When you don't remember someones name, you wait for someone else to say it so you can pretend like you knew it all along.

   I didn't get your call really means "I hate you, stop calling me."

   When I die, I give you permission to change my status to, "is dead."

   We have all experienced the pain of watching a slow typer.

   It's recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there's a fraternity that I don't know about living somewhere in my house.

   I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.