Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   If I look at your mouth while your talking to me then CLEARLY I want you to just stfu!

   The movie "The Social Network" about facebook earned 9 million dollars in sales Friday night to top all movies. Imagine what they could have done if those veiwers had dates!

   I hate people with fake names on facebook... Sorry Jamee Snickers Daughtry and Ashley Snookie Capulto you are now defriended

   Loves to see her go but hates to watch her leave

   purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest of us just don't think it's a problem.

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   Zombies make the best boyfriends; they love you for your brain, not your body...

   Thinks......I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying

   Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is??? They don't fancy each other

   Excuse you, I'm in your way ... you should watch where I'm going!!

   I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.

   Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

   It's a shame that all the people who know how to run the country are all busy driving taxi's and cutting hair!

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.