Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No! You cant have my Heart,the Doctor said i'll be dead without it.

   didn't wake up to meet your expectations, He/her woke up to go to the bathroom.

   Theres no feeling as disgusting as the feeling you get the moment you realize that your finger just went through the toilet paper...

   Sometimes I just gotta take a ride on the Dude Train

   Sometimes I keep my car windows down just to allow other drivers the opportunity to see such a handsome man.

   I wish some1 would invent a pillow that has soap, deodorant, eggs, bacon, juice, my clothes & where I'm suppose to be already in it.

   just seen Roy Hodgson speeding down the motorway at 140mph, with a splif in one hand a can of Carlsberg in the other. This fella will do anything for 3 points!!

   off slapping people with pickles

   Breaking News: The National Weather Center has issued a tornado warning for Western NY. For your own safety head to Ralph Wilson Stadium, they're not worried about a touchdown there.......

   Majot Internet Lie committed by everyone: I Have read & agreed to the terms & conditions.

   facebook should have a "like" button and a "like omg" for blondes

   Where do babies come from? Two teenagers and a six-pack

   heard about the new miracle diet? Its called "The Garlic Diet", where you eat nothing but garlic, and you instantly look thinner... from a distance...

   Liking your own comment is like the facebook version of self-pleasure.

   Lamp shades: Hats of the future

   I'm gonna keep poking you until you bruise.

   I never read and will never read your 55 page terms of use. I will always agree, so stop asking me to confirm that I read it.

   When you don't remember someones name, you wait for someone else to say it so you can pretend like you knew it all along.

   I didn't get your call really means "I hate you, stop calling me."

   When I die, I give you permission to change my status to, "is dead."