Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's joke?

   has a friend who recently started a new business selling landmines that look like prayer mats... He says it's going really well - prophets are going through the roof...

   Now that we know you girls were talking about a purse, how about now you tell us where do you REALLY like it..

   been spendin' most his life livin' in a gangsta paradise...

   i can spell, it's the grammer that I has a problem with

   Friends are a bad influence. And I would just like to thank them for that.

   I don't fear dating a younger woman, it's her father and his shotgun I have problems with.

   if you know what a 8-track tape is...you are considered a dinosaur now

   if only priceline has health insurance...then there would be no need for goverment intervention

   Likes it put up so it doesn't get in the way of her doing her chores.

   I don't really care where you put it, as long as you don't make me hold it!!!

   You and I wake up in jail together. Using only FOUR words, what would you say to me? Leave me a comment.... Then copy and paste this in your status and see what funny things your friends say....(if you make a comment you have to put this in your status)

   I always have the urge to ride one of those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

   BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?

   duck....duck...duck...grey goose!

   has no one to play with, all of her imaginary friends are on timeout or grounded

   Likes it in the kitchen... where it belongs

   NOTHING is more awkward then walking down an empty hallway and passing someone who you use to talk to but don't anymore.

   They say Taco Bell tacos aren't really Mexican. Well if it does the job at half the price... then it can't be any more Mexican that that!!!