Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.

   FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

   Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   You can't please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.

   Facebook: Lying to people you know. Twitter: Be honest to people you don't know.

   Most of the fun things I've done have never been smart ideas.

   It takes a special kind of crazy to marry a divorce lawyer.

   You never know who your real friends are until you are in need and then you'll be surprised who shows up.

   A back-up plan means your first plan sucks.

   The police should make criminals open Facebook accounts. It seems the easiest way to get a confession out of them without any interrogation.

   I think the no passing notes at school policy should apply to teachers too.

   come on weekend why your taking so long to come

   I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.

   What's the difference between a bottle and puberty?? .........A bottle has already hit Justin Bieber!!

   Ya know, Joe Biden sayin' "If I hear one more Republican tell me about balancing the budget, I am going to strangle them," doesn't frighten me NEAR as much as Nancy Pelosi threatening to release her flying monkeys!! ....just sayin'....

   Lean Cuisine you may have fewer calories and less fat, but you do not satisfy me.  I'm still hungry.   :(

   Now that I know where all the purses are, I'm busting out my ski mask and crow bar. Time to make mo money.

   Ok...tryin to loose weight... I went to the doctor this mornin. He ask.. How's your diet? I said I've been eating apples, bananas, oranges . Then he asked... "have you seen a skinny gorilla," I said FU!!

   Out of all the fish in the sea, your the only one I want to mount..