Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Birdie Birdie in the sky did a poopie in my eye. I dont swear I dont cry I'm just glad that cows dont fly

   looking forward to see the date and clock show 10/10/10 10:09

   the last thing you want to feel at your colonoscopy is your doctors hands on your sholders

   I totally think that I am following the A-Team's van right now, I am just waiting for things to just explode around us to confirm, this could be epic

   Ever look at your friend's photos on facebook and think to yourself "She is way too hot to be with that loser!"? Um, me neither. Actually it was a rhetorical question.

   Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!

   Cancel my subscription, cause I'm over your issues!

   Doesn't understand the relationship status "It's complicated". Do you introduce them as friend, stranger or complicated?

   took my dog to sign up for Welfare. The clerk said dogs are not eligible. I said why not?!? He's unemployed, lazy, can't speak English, and dosen't know who his dad is!

   Sometimes when a person tells you "I've got your back..." they forget to add "...in my crosshairs."

   crane operators have swinging balls

   So today I think I'm going to entertain my kids with a good game of duct, duct, tape.

   saving money and recycling my peanuts

   kayaking....makes me wet

   They should have one Facebook for True Friends "Two Face"book for the Rest!! Just Sayin

   would rather check her facebook than face her check book

   So they've sent George Michael to prison. Isn't that like sentencing Vanessa Feltz to eight weeks in a chocolate factory?

   Sorry little boy who came to my door trying to make a better life for yourself, but I will not buy that 7$ candy bar from you when I can get the same candy bar for a buck at the store.

   thinks it is nice when people are at least a little humble, even if it isn't their BEST quality like it is for me.

   Dear Loreal, your hair coloring products get rid of my gray hair and your cosmetics make me look younger, but tell me what you were thinking when you came up with this self-tanning lotion that makes your skin orange?