Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i wonder if cows kno how good they taste.. .

   Bruno Mars told me, "If perfect is what you're searching for then just stay the same."

   When someone changes their relationship status to "It's complicated." it always means that they don't know which hand to use...

   I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes saying ayo I said no mayo.

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   If she fu@ks like she complains, you're in for a treat!!

   Come on, give me that booze you little pumpkin pie hair cutted freak.

   Hiking is just walking where it's ok to pee. (sometimes old people hike by mistake)

   I don't think tom even uses myspace anymore.

   "...and if elected, I promise you will never hear from me again..."

   If a police officer stops you for speeding, ask the officer "than how did you catch up with me?"

   heard that Bruce Willis is working on the next Die Hard movie. Working titles are Die Hard: The Colonoscopy or Die Hard: Medicare with a Vengeance.

   New Age is Old School: The Dream(Prince), Trey Songz(R.Kelly), and Lady GaGa(Madonna)...Get your own image people

   Squirrelly, squirrelly on the street--you shoulda been quicker on your feet.

   in an open relationship with all the ladies on match.com.

   I throw my Spanish in the air sometimes, saying ayo no comprendo

   likes it under my arm after I knocked an old lady over the head for it.

   Gonna make a milkshake to see if it'll bring all the boys to my yard.....I need one to pull up the weeds.

   Stop the Madness!!!! haha If you're broke it doesn't matter where you like your purse!

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the border!