Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking...we would all be naked right now if it wasn't for that darn apple!

   wondering who ever came up with the saying "taking candy from a baby" as being something easy. I don't think they have ever tried it. I would rather take a salmon from a grizzly.

   Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

   What I would do for two Saturdays...

   Every Chinese buffet I have ever been to has had a huge selection of Jell-o. Do they know something about gelatin that I don't know?

   Noticed an ASPCA-sponsored bumper sticker shaped like a milk bone that said 'I sleep with dogs.' I thought it was pretty cute. Then the guy and his not-so-pretty wife got out of the truck. Oh the irony!

   The pills I take to prevent hangovers never work, because they lure me into a false sense of security and I end up drinking more than modern science can handle.

   Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.

   You ever see a van so creepy it feels like the guy actually said "rape-van" when the car salesman asked him what he was looking for?

   This girl has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass.

   Nothing is more disturbing than sitting on a warm toilet seat.

   It's impossible to drop something in your car and it not disappear between the seats.

   Last night some girl told me she couldn't talk to me while I was texting. I told her "That's the point."

   Alternating between shots of tequila and espresso because I want to be an alert drunk tonight.

   I don't appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.

   The bird that lives in my backyard has brought chicks back to the bird bath everyday this week. Potential wingman?

   My dads in the CIA but I'm not allowed to talk about it or something.

   Do birds get mad when other birds sh*t in the bird bath? "Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"

   Internet killed the video store

   Google Instant is great, but I find it disturbing that "grannies doing young studs" pops up before I finish typing "granola."