Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got stone cold case of the muchies so bad that I'm eating Macaroni and Cheese straight out of the box and chasing it with a glass of milk and butter. So good! I'm tempted to try snorting that powdered cheesy goodness for ultimate processed food high.

   If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. I learned that the hard way.

   I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.

   peeing on your wall

   A priest, a rabbi and a clown walk into a bar, and the bartender says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

   Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have f****** with? That's me.

   I don't care what happens when FATHER catches DAUGHTER on her WEBCAM! Stop posting that darn link to my wall!!

   Oh, I`ve got one. A Mexican, a Jew and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the hell out of here!"

   Where did Justin Timberlake go? He promised to bring sexy back

   Bella: I know what you are. Edward: say it Bella say outloud . Bella: Gay

   Death is God's way of saying you are fired. Suicide is your way of saying you cant fire me God,i quit!!

   I stepped on a corn flake, now I'm a cereal killer!

   It's impossible to drop something in your car and it not disappearing between the seats. :))

   Of course I like you! What do you think this is? Facebook?

   on his way to the eye doctor. Hoping for at least a 12.2 megapixel upgrade :)

   thinks it would be cool if Oprah would give audience members a free Winnebago, a gift-card to Walmart, and a thong with an big "O" on it.

   ┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   - Q: What did King Kong say to Rosie O'Donnell? A: "Is it in?"

   Michael Jackson gets to go to heaven because he was doing things the priest were doing.

   Your Hope has been redistributed... Here's your Change.