Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall--until I gave him a good, swift kick ;-)

   I will take a chance, I will Dance until the Day I Die, I will never look back.. Did I really need Katy Perry to tell me all that? No, But after watchin' her music video. I will dream like a teenager tonight."

   Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you've been screwed to get there.

   99% of teens today would die if Facebook had an error and shut down. Make this your status if you'd be part of the 1% laughing! :)

   Don't make decisions when ur angry... and don't make promises when ur happy...

   NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE... even the word itself says "IM POSSIBLE."

   Look at your keyboard and I notice "U" & "I" are together... it's meant to be! Now look just beneath it... JK!

   We should ask Mexico to be our 51st state. We'd have people to do the jobs we don't want to do and would get the jobs back they sent there. Plus, some great real estate!

   Dear Week, You are not attractive and I am leaving you for Weekend... I'd say it wasn't you, and that it was me... But yeah, it was you...

   Do all your FACEBBOOK "friends" want to be your friend or just want to be snooping in your business??? Just sayin....

   Women always worry about the things that men forget, men always worry about the things women remember.

   Facebook: Where poke is the new booty call.

   She said "I think we should see other people." What I heard was "I already have a guy who's been on reserve for months."

   I feel bad for the guy who smoked poison ivy during the trial and error phase of what will get you high, and what will kill you.

   I've got this amazing idea that I don't really understand and have no idea how to explain.

   Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.

   I thought they put covers on books SO I could judge them.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   Seriously considering quitting my job. The lack of cellphone service makes it incredibly hard to avoid working.

   Greek philosophers had some gangster names.