Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im done being mad at everybody. From now on I'm going to start buying my enemies gifts.. the brown gifts wrap with tape and left on their porch

   When asked what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours."

   The 49ers have 56 active players... here they are in no particular order Kevin Boss Shaun Hill and Josh Morgan 53 more to go right here on NBC

   Salsa, Olives, Sour Cream Dip, Spread it on a layer of Tortilla Chips, You add some guacomole and some melted cheese, your mouth just made a touchdown right here on NBC!

   Brett Favre just sent me an inappropriate text message....I guess it's not that big a deal...I'll just wait two years before I tell anybody... Yea...

   I wonder what would happen if everyone decided to call in sick on Monday..

   My friend called me a fatty today... If I wasen't busy eating my fried twinkie I would of slapped him

   You ever fire up your leaf blower and blow your neighbor's chihuahua down the street??

   I am sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

   Was playing air guitar and ripped her spandex while doing a mock stage dive off the sofa!!

   For those of you who like to STIR THE POT..be sure you get a good grip on the handle!!

   anything more annoying then a stupid person who clearly doesn't know they are stupid!?

   Problems are only really ever a problem when you let them become that way . Keep it simple !!

   Wait, you're telling me that if I kill off and entire culture and take credit for discovering a land I in no way discovered,I'll get a random Monday in October off from work? Only in America!..... Happy Columbus day!!

   In preparation for the end of the world in 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   is a straight ally and today is National Coming Out Day. I'm coming out for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality because it's 2010 and almost 90% of LGBT youth experience harassment in school, and too many lives have been lost.

   ‎"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."

   Monopoly pieces make McDonalds food taste so much better!!!

   In preparation for 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying...