Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I had a room in my house that had zero gravity.

   I ordered the food, seatbelted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window.

   I definitely thought we'd have some futuristic Jetsons sh*t by now.

   Every time you fart as you're walking through first class getting on a plane, Jesus high-fives your grandmother.

   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.

   Profanity is most useful when you need to hide your inability to recall the right word in a heated moment.

   apparently is not working fast enough today...the boss just walked by and said the last job I did was half-fast...

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

   insert your current location, relationship problems, results of last doctors visit, what you had for lunch, how much you hate working on certain days of the week, and any other trivial details of your life here _______________________

   Its National Regret-Your-TATTOO DAY. (Not really but it cant be too far off)

   ‎"You see football takes concentration and skill....SQUIRREL!!!!" - Wade Phillips/NFL Head Coach

   I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.

   Finally they managed to fix the oil leak and I haven't heard of Justin Bieber lately. Are you thinking what I'am thinking?

   My kid has A.D.D. and a couple of F's.

   I knew Brett Favre was in for a long year when he threw that interception in the Wrangler commercial.

   busy trying to back up his hard drive but is having a difficult time figuring how to shift it in reverse.

   There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count. And those who can't.

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   You look like the type of guy who enjoys a nice Fromunda Cheese sandwich.

   Hi, it's me, Monday. I'm here to slap that silly grin off your stupid little pointed face.