Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whoever decides when breakfast is over at McDonald's, F*CK YOU.

   WANTED: Hoarder to come and gather up all my random sh%t and drag it back to their hoarding lair.

   Why ask me if I'm up when you text me at 3 in the morning and I answer it?

   Someday we'll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.

   A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress

   says "The key to my heart are attached to that knife sticking out of my back."

   a woman of many moods...and they all require chocolate

   Sex,drugs & rock n roll are all very well, but nothing beats a nice cup of tea.

   Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.

   I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?

   I always thought about joining the debate team but I already know I would get kicked out for saying "Yeah well F**k you" when the other team makes a good point

   Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !*

   Lindsay Lohan is so dumb that she wanted to move to Afghanistan......because she heard girls could get stoned there.

   NEWS: An Ohio exotic dancer was indicted for murder after she dragged a man under her car for more than a mile. Witnesses to the scene called it "The worst lap dance ever."

   Bruno Mars was busted for Coccaine in the Bathroom with ANOTHER MAN!!....HMMMMM I wonder if they were playing '"SWORD FIGHT?" Bwahahaaa!!! LOL!

   Wish we had something like a .."National Emotionless Day"..A day where no one really gives a F**K. That my friend.. would be Awesome.

   Remember, A hard punch can often be used as a secret weapon to secure victory in an intellectual debate.

   Unfortunately, due to a recent stroke, my friends left side is now completely useless. .. I now refer to it as His feminine side!......jimboleem

   always ready, willing and able. Unless you have to move then sorry I am unavailable that day!

   It's so cute how you think I'm listening.