Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"

   I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them

   guys can go 5 years without seeing eachother and reunite with a handshake and small talk...girls can't go 5 minutes without seeing eachother and reuinite with screaming, jumping around, and hugs...

   looking for a job! "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job..."

   Girls just want to have funds!

   No coffee no workee.

   so Columbus Day has come and gone, but I'm still not taking down my decarations

   There is no way your putting a giant pretzel inside me..

   Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids

   Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good

   Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls

   If at first you dont succeed skydiving isnt for you

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"

   If you throw rice at weddings, will asian people throw hotdogs?

   So....I just heard that one of the trapped Chilean miners has both his wife AND mistress at the rescue site. Awww dude, just stay down there.........

   As things that I find gratifying as an adult goes, being at work and getting paid to take a dump is very high on the list since it is something you can do daily.. I encourage everyone to do this now! And if you wanna take it to the next level, rub one out

   The first of the Chile miners has came outta the hole, rumors have it, that he seen his shadow....6 more weeks til winter!

   Ran into her ex today...put it in reverse and got his new girlfriend, too!!! ;)

   Makeover?? Honey you need to be ran over!!