Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Iphone has just patented anti sexting software..brett favre your going to want to get a DROID

   Hates it when I can't tell if it's a man or woman smiling at me. I don't know whether to smile back or run!!

   looking at the NFL schedule, the NFL needs to change who plays the Thanksgiving game. It should be Patriots vs. Redskins in Washington. Then, after the game, the Patriots kill the Redskins and take their stadium away from them...

   everyone was clapping for me when I got off the plane...I bet those military guys behind me were jealous.

   The only people who complain about FB having to much drama...is the people who just got caught doing something they wasnt supposed to be doing

   I life without mistakes, is a life full of mistakes!

   I quit wishing after I fell down the well.

   A save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   What's LOVE? In math: A problem. In history: A war. In chemistry: A reaction. In art: A heart. In me: Bull

   Ever sneeze so hard that it started raining

   Another day of saying stuff I don't mean and thinking stuff I don't say.

   Muggers accept all major credit cards.

   I will always forgive you, I only want you to realize what you have done wrong.

   Sometimes the people you love the most are the ones that hurt you the most...but it's up to you to decide who you live through the pain for...

   I wrote something about drugs and my mom "liked" it!

   just made a Peanut Butter sandwich with some cashews. It was nuts

   wouldn't mind seeing the cast of "Jersey Shore" stuck in a coal mine for a couple of months. No TV cameras allowed.

   Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.

   Heard the miners in Chile are being removed Juan by Juan...

   I saw a big billboard that said "We Buy Ugly Houses".... so... I gave them my neighbors' address. :)