Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Normal people are weird.

   Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!

   Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

   Strangers have the best candy.

   In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

   Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

   I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

   Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the BIOTCH up with cookies.

   With the price of printer ink so high, it would probably be more cost-effective to keep a giant aquarium full of squid and harvest my own.

   drinking. I have my cellphone on me and it has facebook on it. I appoligize in advance and will delete my wall posts as soon as I wake up.

   Barbara Billingsley thank you for introducing us to and letting us see the beaver.

   You know the economy is bad when...Congress decides to keep their hands in their OWN pockets.

   rip Barbara Billingsley, Beaver Cleaver's TV mom, dies

   I thought I saw a two headed turtle once, but it turned out he was just having a sh!.

   considering going back to school to become a veterinarian and a taxidermist...either way...you get your cat back....

   So I was wondering. If I paid to go watch a football game and suddenly in the middle of the game all the christian players get raptured up into heaven, do I get a refund???

   having a drink for the Chilean miners tonight... all 33 of them.

   ‎"This is what we do in Florida. We wear hoodies and sweat pants when the temperature drops 4 degrees. Get with it or go back to shoveling snow in Canada, jerk."