Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   she should win a prize for making it through the whole week without stabbing someone with a fork!

   I cannot be held responsible for anything you may have told me before I had my coffee.

   Your wife is more of a "certificate of completion" than a "trophy"

   How do I always end up stalking people on Facebook that I don't even know...

   On one issue, at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.

   All I needed was the kit but they made me buy the whole kaboodle.

   a little piece of me dies everyday... in a tubesock shoved to the bottom of my laundry hamper... thanks mom

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullsh!t.

   I'm a mess. Not in the "beautiful mess" way. In the "you dropped an omelette all over the floor then stepped in it" way.

   There are three things that are scary to watch the morning after partyn hard! : own face, purse and list of outgoing calls :)

   Honesty is the best policy. But just try getting an Honesty Policy from your insurance broker.

   I like to think of myself as "Emotionally Exciting" as opposed to bipolar.

   Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.

   got his girlfriend pregnant .gotcha b!tch :)

   hates walking into nasty smelling bathrooms knowing after you leave the next guy in line always thinks you did it... as you fight the urge to notify him it was like that when you got there

   You can use most any measure when you're speaking of success. You can measure it in fancy home, expensive car or dress. But the measure of your real success is one you can not spend. Its the way your kids describe you when they're talking to a friend.

   thinks that it's people that give drinking a bad name.

   getting ready to enter the "drinking" portion of the evening.

   "Push top to open" should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off."

   To all my Atheist and Agnostic friends. T_IF!