Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I saw a two headed turtle once, but it turned out he was just having a sh!.

   considering going back to school to become a veterinarian and a taxidermist...either way...you get your cat back....

   So I was wondering. If I paid to go watch a football game and suddenly in the middle of the game all the christian players get raptured up into heaven, do I get a refund???

   having a drink for the Chilean miners tonight... all 33 of them.

   ‎"This is what we do in Florida. We wear hoodies and sweat pants when the temperature drops 4 degrees. Get with it or go back to shoveling snow in Canada, jerk."

   some people were dropped as babies. clearly, you were thrown against a wall.

   . Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... woman

   What is it with black guys randomly rehearsing an R&B/ rap lyric when walking down the street?

   what it's all about... TAKE THAT HOKIE POKIE!

   Can't wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer, and go stare at a different computer.

   Good Effort! A Polite way to say "YOU SUCK!"

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.

   The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing.

   Never think of the past it brings tears, If you think of the future it brings fears, so live life in the present & drink chilled BEERS Bon Okterber Fest

   Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.

   A law that made it illegal to lie about military medals has just been overturned. On a side note, my resumé just got a lot more interesting......

   Remember the days of He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, Pound Puppies and Pee Wee's Playhouse? Those Saturday mornings were worth getting up for....

   This Country Is That Bad Even The Monopoly Board Is In Resession

   I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a little tiny bit of BS around your lips.