Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   having a threesome with aunt jemima & mrs. butterworth

   I got an enema in honor of National Punctuation Day. I now have a perfect colon.

   California is suspending executions due to lethal drug shortage. Someone should talk to Texas. I bet they're storing their surplus in caves.

   Ahh Sams Club.. Ever notice the people who frequent that place? It's kind of like the bar scene from StarWars

   If your thinking of watching...Scott Pilgrim vs. the World...Just shoot yourself in the face now and save yourself some misery.

   The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. We have our priorities…

   If you cant beat them, put a few drops of Visine in their coffee.

   I ran my WII, PS3 and Xbox 360 all at the same time. Jesus appeared in my living room and shook his index finger at me.

   Don't you just hate it when you're in the express queue at the supermarket and the person in front of you has 15-20 items in their basket and you only have 2...

   attempting to cook a blackbean & chicken rice dish but can't see with all the thick black smoke and as for these bloody alarms ringing in my ears, saying that it must smell good, 8 men have just piled out of a red truck are trying to break down my door

   Oh I can see by your Four Square there that you just checked into Target. Be sure to notify us all when you check into therapy.

   Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, "I had no idea it was your birthday!"

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

   I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a tape of me trying to run in flip-flops.

   Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile

   ٥ﻻ ﻉ√٥ﺎ ٱц =)

   U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown!

   ► PlayTheMoments ▌▌ PauseTheMemories ■ StopThePain ◄◄ RewindTheHappiness.

   Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of sh!tting on you.

   Don't focus on the one person who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog sh!t.