Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The mullet is a helmet for domestic violence.

   World population rankings: 1:China 2:India 3:Facebook 4:USA

   Laundry, my old nemesis…so we meet again. And I see you have brought your sidekick, Dirty Dishes with you. Well played evil villian, well played.

   My girlfriend got f**ked by a clown before we dated. So I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

   Wanted, Teenager owners manuel for models 1993 thru 1996. Must be kid tested and mother approved.

   taking a trip to the "far side" today.. Yes.. I am going to Wal-Mart..

   I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

   if I was a squirrel, and you were a tree I would store my nuts in your hole.

   Micheal Jackson was as straight as curly fries.....

   Sometimes a big fish in a small pond is just a fat guy in a baby pool.

   has just killed thier relationship asking "is it in?"

   I am constantly washing my hands just in case I am required to deliver a baby in a broken elevator.

   ...the good news: the Rangers are going to the Finals!! the bad news: wrong Rangers :(

   flooding newsfeeds with youtube videos....

   Game set match = tennis : set match run = arson.

   going crazy. Wanna join?

   I took my dog for a walk and played Frisbee with her, but she was useless. I really need to get a flatter dog. :)

   "Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."...Wilson Mizner

   Refuses to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate me.

   Boston fans always bring up the total team salary of New York when the Yankees lose, yet they never mention Red Sox have MLB's 2nd highest payroll and still failed to qualify for playoffs. Translation = Yankees spend wisely, Red Sox do not. Case rested.