Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait a couple minutes before you bite into a hotdog that just came out the microwave.

   Katy Perry is brought to you today by the number 34 and the letters "D D" Can You tell me how to get,how to get to sex-with-me-street?

   I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.**

   I call it "No-Pants Wonderday," but it turns out the police just call it "Thursday." Go figure.

   If I ever come back to life as an appliance, I hope it's not as a refrigerator. I bet it's pretty annoying the way people try to cram all those magnets and pictures on you.

   Last week a stranger told me that "the pen is mightier than the sword," so I challenged him to prove it. I cut him up pretty badly, but he was right: that permanent ink is tough to get off.

   I bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.

   Smokey the Bear says that "only you can prevent forest fires." Great. My job is hectic enough, and now I have to go around doing the work of lazy firefighters?

   I really enjoy that new real-life TV show about the guy who spends his whole day surfing the internet at work while trying to look busy in front of his boss. Oh wait, that's just my average day.

   Some people swear by taking "power naps" for energy. I say screw the naps, if you want real energy all you need is a handful of sugar and a dash of crystal meth.

   never run from a fat cop......he won't chase you, but you wont get away either.

   You guys will NOT believe how much ice cream I just ate, but to give you a clue it was served in one of those orange construction cones.

   I bribed a cop this morning, handed him my drivers license with a doughnut underneath

   Sex is like Chinese food. 2 hours later, you want more.,

   I'm pretty sure the guy who came up with Guitar Hero got the idea from a scantron test!

   My wife told me that a friend of hers gets smacked abound by her husband. Then she told me that, if I ever hit her, I'd only do it the once. "That's what I love about you," I said. She said, "What do you mean?" I replied, "You learnn from your mistakes."

   When I go to the deli counter at the supermarket, I just ask for ham. They have way too many options there, and I really don't care what kind I get. I just want some damn ham. I'm completely hambiguous.

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I'll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   For fun, I cut out jack-o-lantern, put it on my head, and went into stores, asking if they sold pumpkin pie. When the startled employees said yes, I would leave the store yelling "Murderer's!" over and over again.

   I love how you can make ANYTHING you say sound dirty, just by adding one of those "Air Quotation" gestures.