Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Likes it in the kitchen... where it belongs

   NOTHING is more awkward then walking down an empty hallway and passing someone who you use to talk to but don't anymore.

   They say Taco Bell tacos aren't really Mexican. Well if it does the job at half the price... then it can't be any more Mexican that that!!!

   Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

   I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.

   One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   I can't stand complainers and I'm not good at keeping secrets. I should probably rethink my career choice as a therapist.

   Stop telling me where you like to put your handbag!!! (although I am not sure what your handbag has to do with your breasts unless you say you rest it on your chest ...).

   The pe*is has it rough! his hair is always a mess. His family is nuts. And his neighbor is a a$$hole.

   If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

   You b*tch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

   Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". ;)

   No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

   I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

   I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

   Cmon, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!!

   QUICK!! To the Bandwagon!! (to Vikings fans, this blew up my profile with responses today!))

   thinks the vikings this season is gonna be like watching a car wreck, where you know its gonna be ugly, but you gotta watch anyways...only with really old collector cars...

   I just heard that Randy Moss is writing his life story. He's only written two chapters and already he's finished an entire box of crayons. :)