Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime; give a man religion and he will die praying for a fish

   Ran around today shouting "I'm Free! I'm Free!" Some little kid looked up at me in disgust and said, "So... I'm four."

   I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror, she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

   WHO's GUILTY? Husband and Wife are sleeping. Wife dreaming at night suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of the window!

   There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.

   To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100

   let's flip a coin. heads, i'm yours. tails, you're mine

   Dear Heart, I met a boy today.....prepare to shatter

   you will always be the answer, when somebody asks me what I'm thinking about

   Save your breath...no one wants to smell it.

   If you have to start your sentance with "Now you know I'm not a bigot..." chances are you are...

   Question: IF you have a Harley and all the black assessories like HD T-shirt, Chaps, Gloves, Bandananana, booties..everything ... do you really need to go out and rent an Halloween Outfit? :)

   When the phone rings and you want to screw with the caller, just answer saying, "Bob's Orphanage, you make' em we take' em!"

   Grammer is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

   Whadda mean you don't have my reserved "World's Greatest Lover Don Juan Cassanova Halloween Outfit"???!!! ........ and NO... I don't want to be Tinkerbell ! :

   stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it.

   If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "A boat"