Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wish my boobs wouldn't slap my face while I run.

   I hate being bipolar... It's awsome!

   was riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   needs a warm fireplace for my morningwood.

   If you all know where you keep it, why are we always looking for the damn thing..

   if you don't quit your crying and complaining in your status updates, I'll give you something to really cry and complain about! Like posting that photo of you I lied about deleting for example.

   some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker!

   I must have catnip in my pants tonight because all the pussie is trying to get in them.

   taking joy in the fact that his ex girlfriend just got married and that her first name combined with her new last name results in a really funny name that others will ve sure to make fun of.

   They didn't break the mold after me, they just chained it up.

   comes here for status updates because he doesn't have sick children, could care less about the weather, and already knows what day of the week it is.

   I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

   prediction: yankees will win 28th world series

   If my MTV carreer doesn't work out I think i'm goin to buy a gun.. and sell crack. I'll be a friendly crack dealer though, nothing too formal. I'll just be like 'what's up, want some crack?'

   Turns out cloud 10 is actually the accumulated farts of everyone on cloud 9.

   sometimes, you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life.

   in financial ruins.. well, i'm off to the mall to buy things that I don't need to make me feel better about my debt. :

   this aint the end.. its only the beginning of the end...

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.

   FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.