Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   accidentally burnt dinner.. probably a good thing I'm dressed like witch for everytime I open the door, smoke from inside the house comes out and the little kids thinks it's cool

   Oh, nothing just admiring the shape of your skull..

   the inside of my car looks different sober!?

   Trending Now - #1 Mindy Cohn..... WTF?

   "That Wonka is a liar!", exclaimed by my six year old son when he realized his Everlasting Gobstopper was getting smaller and changing color.

   Teacher: Imagine you're in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop imagining.

   does anybody still reminise the days of Celebrity deathmatch?!

   I'll make you swallow your pride!!

   About that pumpkin.. line the cut edges with cooking oil to keep that jack-o'-lantern fresh for a longer time.

   the oldest I've ever been so far.

   going downstairs to see what that noise was... powers out but BRB.

   Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!

   thinks Charlie Sheen should change the name of his TV show to "2 1/2 Grams & A Hooker"

   Why is the list of vision providers in 4.5 font? I know I need glasses; that's why I am looking for a provider. You don't have to rub it in.

   Apparently I drank enough purple juice to make me believe I could crip walk across the dance floor last night.

   It was pretty irresponsible to put a little girl in charge of a bunch of sheep. They should have started Little Bo Peep with something easier like a hamster.

   You're a first time vegan and it's nice to meat ya

   Liquor Treat!!!

   if you're dressing up like Snooki tonight, allow me to help by rubbing Doritos all over you first ;)

   could easily become the "Crazy Cat Lady" for Halloween. I could wear my everyday clothes and pin all the neighborhood strays to them......