Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

   Jesus turned water into wine!..ok..I can turn my whole paycheck into beer BAH!!!...your turn Jesus.

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   What is the scariest part of halloween? Giving away all you Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!

   Any intelligent man who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.

   Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

   Religion is a bit like porn: You know deep down it's all lies but you still buy it. It's a multi-billion dollar industry making a few people very rich. It distorts reality, inciting desires it never satisfies. AND the scripts it's based on are always sh*t

   internet is the only place where men are men, women are men, and 13 years old girls are FBI agents.

   Tornados in the North Texas area are very likely this afternoon. Meteorologists are urging the public to gather in the Dallas Cowboys Stadium where no touchdowns are possible this season!

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   You should consider buying a new car when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole.

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

   I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

   I love how bouillon cubes come in bright shiney yellow (chicken flavored) and red (Beef flavored) packages, I am set for halloween trickery.

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   Bag of apples check,Bag of caramel check, Pumpkin check, Pack of razorblades check ,The look of concern on the cashiers face at walmart PRICELESS!!!

   Nothing says "My boyfriend is a cholo!" quite like a hickey.