Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anything more annoying then a stupid person who clearly doesn't know they are stupid!?

   Problems are only really ever a problem when you let them become that way . Keep it simple !!

   Wait, you're telling me that if I kill off and entire culture and take credit for discovering a land I in no way discovered,I'll get a random Monday in October off from work? Only in America!..... Happy Columbus day!!

   In preparation for the end of the world in 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   is a straight ally and today is National Coming Out Day. I'm coming out for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality because it's 2010 and almost 90% of LGBT youth experience harassment in school, and too many lives have been lost.

   ‎"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."

   Monopoly pieces make McDonalds food taste so much better!!!

   In preparation for 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying...

   Today needs an eject button.

   Michelle Obama has been picked as the world's most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place:............. Justin Bieber.

   On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.

   Having it all together is not my style.

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.

   I'm about as motivated as a Denny's employee.

   Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.

   I just saw a van that had two signs on it. One said "We Speak English" and the other one said "We Delivery".