Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we go one day without hearing about the Vikings drama! Moss, Favre, Childress, Harvin, etc.... Fire Childress and get it over with Ziggy! He sucks as a coach anyway.

   Don't forget to change your clocks on Sunday. And while you're at it, make those changes for the better in your life that you've been putting off.

   Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of dying he sings..

   "You know you've been tagged in a photo on Facebook when there you've got more than 17 Notifications from people you don't know commenting on a photo of you.

   can't stand it when someone posts some spoiling info about a movie I haven't seen yet.

   YOU'RE just another brick in the Facebook wall!

   The average penis length of a man is 5 1/2 inches. The average penis length of a man who googles "penis length" is 3 1/2 inches.

   I'm so miserable without you, it's almost as if you were here.

   in America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary

   Ever think about some of the things we say? Exactly how does a person "turn up misssing"?

   why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable... Like a coma.

   At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

   Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better. Because I answer.. .

   Do not drunk dial or text tonight. Note to self: come back and read this at 3am

   drink up! And happy birthday to somebody somewhere.

   THE ANSWER TO AGE OLD QUESTION OF HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL TOOTSIE POP IS...... 277. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE AFTER HALLOWEEN I HAVE HAD 637 OF THEM

   you'll always be my hero. even though you've lost your mind

   There once was a man named Hawking, who got bored of walking He got on a scooter, attached a computer, and now it does all of his talking

   without a doubt the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.

   Working with 4 women and married to another, I don't forsee being a polygamist anytime in my future