Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the drive thru at my bank. The tube came back with my cash and a Chilean miner

   People You May Know = I know none of these people.

   If no one likes you, you want to re-evaluate yourself because not everyone can be the problem

   How do you break a mans heart? You can't because they don't have one.

   Do what you love, and the money will follow, unless what you love is Facebook.

   I bet if Einstein had Facebook to waste time with he wouldn't have been all like smart and stuff.

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your Facebook activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You're all crazy.

   "And they lived happily ever after" is just another way of saying "they are in denial."

   Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I'm so glad I'm not a crazy person.

   Dear CAN, why are your books so much more $$ than mine? - US

   I dont like my women single.. I like my chicks in 2's

   Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "Use By" date?

   In terms of emotional comfort it is my belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made c0cktail.

   Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

   Dude... "Who else would put up with me?" is not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.

   Ya know when ya go on vacation and you just can't wait to get home to take a nice, healthy dump?

   Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.

   Nobody notices what I do..until I don't do it.

   When I say, "Hold that thought," it's just a polite way of saying I'm not interested.

   Ringing in the "New Year" apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late... in October.