Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walked into the bank today and asked the teller if she could check my balance… She leaned over and pushed me.

   FACT : sharks will only attack you if you are wet

   Well The Good News Is, I Came Out Of The Closet, The Bad News...I'm Gay.

   Wanted: 1985 delorean with flux capasitor time travil package with 1 shot of plutonium. serious sellers only price not a issue!!

   Skipping the new Jackass movie - already saw Christine O'Donnell debate this week.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't.. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my grandfather.

   If you ever see me drinking a Bud Light Lime, I have been kidnapped and am trying to signal you.

   I wonder if those friends in low places have heard from Garth Brooks recently.

   That didn't take long: one of the Chilean miners is already cheating on Jennifer Aniston.

   what is the difference between a rooster and a $lut? one goes c0ck a doodle doo and the other one goes, "any c0ck'll do"

   feels like LIFESAVERS candy is overstating their importance.

   Marriage is an institution. You also have to be committed to it. If that doesn't sound like a nuthouse I don't know what does.

   if you want to fight with you wife/husband, replace Oxygen with Helium and try to keep a straight face...

   Still trying to figure out who defriended me...

   Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet.

   Woke up this morning to bacon frying on the grill, eggs cooking on the stove, biscuts in the oven, and a fresh pot of coffee :) Todays gonnah be good.

   I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

   Today doesn't have that new day smell.

   R.E.M. just recorded a new version of their '90s classic "Everybody Hurts" especially for their older fans. New title: "Everything Hurts"

   Just heard on the news that pres Obama will be on an episode of "Mythbusters" in the near future.....guess they must be doing an episode on why, once you become president, you lose the capacity to tell the truth.......