Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Queen Elizabeth now has a Facebook page,going to give her a poke

   I want to donkey punch ignorant people

   It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" as much as it is "When Stupid People Get Bit."

   how do you spell procrastination? F-A-C-E-B-O-O-K...

   had some sushi for lunch but it seemed a bit undercooked

   Please do not open any messages from me that are entitled "Do not open , This is a virus which will destroy your hard drive then come to your house and donkey punch you in the back of the head"

   At the Photography Studio: "First, we'll shoot you, then we'll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself."

   I always text 'lol' but rarely do I actually "laugh out loud". I'm such a liar.

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store.

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.

   Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   My roomate ate some peanuts and sufferd a violent reaction...They were MY peanuts so I kicked the sh!t out of the thieving ba$tard...

   The first thing I'm going to do when I get home tonight is go to the bedroom and take my wife's underwear off..She would kill me if she knew I had them on the whole day.

   Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.

   Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.