Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is National Facebook Unfriend Day. I hope you make it to tomorrow as my friend. I just want you to know I'm pulling for you.

   Forget scholarships and honor societies - the highest academic complement is getting an awesome grade on a paper you half-assed at four in the morning the day it was due.

   won't just hit the spot. He will kill the spot & dress inappropriately at the spots funeral.

   has a new slogan for TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants!!!

   Been thinking of things I could do today, leaning towards going to Victoria's Secret and looking around.

   A grown man making snow angels in the yard shouldn't be so strange...dressed in a clown suit playing the bagpipes sure as hell made it weird.

   She goes down more than a submarine commander.

   Q: Are you tired of this sillyass Q & A game everyone is doing? A: Yes I wish that they would $hit and fall back in it.

   My husband asked me if I wanted to play Call of Duty the other day. When I said yes, he handed me a tub of cleaning supplies.

   Trail mix should just sell M&M's

   I have to say here lately i've been very surprised that after clicking spell check I have no spelling errors...

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.

   Dude, you're going bald. That ballcap and shoulder length hair don't hide the fact.

   It is not fastfood if you keep me waiting for 20 minutes for a damn burger!

   Well... it finally happened. I got a notice that I am being sued by Metallica for $1.3M not paying for their music... I never pirated their music... but I never bought an album either, so I guess that's the complaint.

   The combination of wet-phlegm laryngitis and requesting Mucinex D from the pharmacist produced comedic results that cannot be cleanly reproduced on Facebook.

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix

   It's Topless Tuesday night! Woot!

   If a woman says she likes it she hates it, if she says she loves it she likes it, if she is speechless she loves it

   The closest thing to failure is hope