Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.

   If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesn't that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie?

   just googled "MAMBY PAMBY LAND" and I'll be damned.... It took me HERE!!!

   ...roses are red, violets are blue, I'm doing my laundry so I don't smell like you.

   single women are like dog turds the older they get the easy they are to pick up

   thinks MTV should change its name to Empty V.

   Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away...like choking.

   Things that make you go hmmmm: If Harry Potter's so magical, why can't he cure his own eyesight?

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.

   That's Crazy = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.

   Wouldn't it make more sense for Dell to make the cooling fan on the top of the keyboard area instead of having it reach searing temperatures on my lap due to lack of air flow? My name is ______ and common sense is my idea.

   Warning: going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   thinks it's funny that in about 40 years from now, there is going to be a lot of seniors walking around with tattoos.

   Every time I watch Titanic, I'm more convinced that if they had tried harder, Jack would've fit perfectly fine on that floating headboard.

   Aww c'mon...everybody knows ho is short for honey.

   Sometimes I think the world would be much better without so much technology. ~ Sent from my iPhone.

   trying to decide: laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   always right, never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong.

   officially changing her TV remote's name to Waldo.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better.