Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   made entirely of flaws but stitched together with good intentions.

   Time to go give my sheets some a$$ and pillow some head...

   Today is National Unfriend Day... but what if mother won't let me unfriend?

   Every time a T.S.A. Agent touchs your junk... the terrorist win.

   ...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the Christmas period!"

   may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping."

   putting on his mistletoe belt buckle!" .

   So... what did I learn today?.... never, EVER stand up too quickly after playing guitar hero for 3 hours straight!

   A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

   ohh yeahh... the sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette

   You wouldn't believe how jealous she is. She even came up the aisle with her brothers as bridesmaids.

   if someone with parkinson's accepts your apology for making fun of them, is it wrong to ask them to shake on it? Just asking.

   making my own four loko in a blender: a bottle of vodka, 4 red bulls, a bottle of cherry nyquil and a McRib. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me.

   's dog may be getting too old. he/she fell over when I tried to ride him/her.

   I'm a good boyfriend..I always talk to her, play with her, touch her buttons...I definitely turn her on... I love you Xbox.

   In an elevator I like to pull out a picture of myself and ask people "have you seen this person?"

   if a hermaphrodite goes missing, do you put their picture on a carton of Half and Half?

   Do you have to fly to go get one of those TSA airport pat-downs? Just asking

   When I was a little girl, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

   If a person from Iceland and a person from Cuba have a baby together, would it be considered an ice cube?