Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally clocking out! I'm off like a prom dress!

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   The rent is too damn high!!!!!

   the 93% of people who will NOT re-post this as my status (all chain-status updates)

   Ever show someone how to do something and then instantly regret that you ever did?

   Talking Sh1t is harder now with Google out there.

   wants to change out the sound of her car horn for gun fire. I mean, who has an urge to blow a trumpet when you get road rage anyhow?

   shopping for halloween costumes with Tera Patrick.

   EVERYBODY: [1] HAVE FUN TONIGHT. [2] WANG CHUNG TONIGHT.

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.

   if common sense was made out of chocolate you wouldnt have enought to fill a smartie...

   I suggest you don't wear orange in october if you're a little on the chunky side.

   just seen the ex and now sitting here wondering... What was I smoking and drinking throughout THAT whole relationship!

   My 80 year old grandma is just learning how to text. She thinks LOL means "Lots of love". She sent a text saying, "Your aunt Martha passed away this morning... LOL"

   standing in the store's personal hygene section waiting for hot chicks to walk by and as they do I spray them with Axe Body Spray. Glad I didn't $pend any $ on this s**t because the reaction I'm getting is NOTHING like in their commercials!!!

   Hates when people run their mouth and they have no idea what they are talking about.

   I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

   Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.

   Breaking News: My family is kidnapped by Ninjas I need $4 for karate lessons.

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.