Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

   I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

   it just me or do TSA Agents remind you of Far Side characters?

   If I had a million dollars, I'd buy a brewery, and turn the planet into alcoholics

   Dont send me no questions to my inbox...Cuz I aint answering them...I aint yo Magic 8-ball...

   I hate when I get some Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.

   enough about what's on my mind, what's on yours?

   ...baby, if you were a sandwich at McDonald's, you'd be the McGorgeous!

   beauty is power, and a smile is its' sword.

   I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t.

   Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?

   I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.

   You know that movie where the guy needs to keep his adrenaline level up or he dies? My weekend was just like that, except the opposite.

   I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.

   Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.

   Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.