Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother now has Gchat. You will no longer know how inappropriate my thoughts are via status updates. Today my status is "I like studying and Jesus."

   learned that you should never say "boom" at the airport. looks like i'm missing my flight

   I like to spend my weekends at Burgerking pretending I'm on Man vs Food...

   A penny for my thoughts? Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar. There worth so much more after I'm a goner and maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin, funny when your dead how people start listenen

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat...it makes you lean...against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ....Ugly people!!!

   Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   If you pass after drinking Wild Turkey, just blame it on tryptophan.

   Why is Darth Vader called "Darth Vader"? Because "Master Vader" just sounds wrong.

   i've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing

   MONDAYS ARE FOR MASOCHISTS. It's bleak and raining and there's not one dang cookie in the house.

   When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!

   I had a recurring dream once !

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

   Well at least he was voted most popular kid in high school that rode the short bus because he could buy beer legally without needing a fake ID.

   - When Stephen Hawking has sex does he use Condoms or Norton Anti Virus?

   Suicide hotline, please hold....

   Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and suck forever.

   Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your d**k look small.

   I used to care but now I take a pill for that...

   Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.