Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Count to ten before the lightning strikes, if days are dark find something that's bright. Different colors paint a picture of our lives, just close your eyes!

   The Touch, the Feel of Lindsay Lohan; the crackhead of our lives

   My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.

   HOW DOES A PERSON WITH EPILEPSY INTERPRET "CARPE DIEM"?

   ...little boy writes to Santa: please send me a sister. Santa writes to little boy: ok, send me your mother.

   Only 9,000 more lies until Election Day.

   I don't get mad, don't throw temper tantrums and I don't hold grudges..I am a very mature girl....but YOU are not allowed in my treehouse anymore!!!

   A handful of Nigerian scam artists are wrecking it for all the honest Nigerians who want to wire money to us.

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.

   ...the monkey's out of the bottle, man.

   It's called FACEBOOK, not OPENBOOK. You can keep somethings to yourself.....

   Expect the best, Prepare for the worst.

   I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.

   ALL UR LIES you SAID, ' I love U' WAS MY FAVOURITE

   the guy who put the hole in the ozone layer.

   at the Library waiting for the opportune moment to fire my air horn

   RIP Paul The Psychic Octopus... I wonder if he saw that one coming?

   R.I.P Paul The Psychic Octopus... Coming to a Sushi bar near you!

   Candy corn that has the chocolate bottom is an insult to Halloween and America.

   If you're not with me, you're against me!! And, if you're against me...well, hello there!! ;)