Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN" every time I landed the plane.

   wondering if ghosts only speak/understand english?

   Wonder what chairs would look like if our knees bent the other way

   Lil'Wayne must be strong if he can pick the world up and drop it on my head

   can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake...

   I have 20/20 vision but i'm having a hard time reading this blurry code I have to enter online.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

   If standing up for the constitution makes me an extremist, then yes, I am!

   If the founding fathers were alive they wouldn't tolerate this. Why should we?

   You always get what you pay for. Nothing proves this more than toliet paper.

   Ebay: thank you for buying "Modern Warfare 2". Members who have bought this have also bought: Glitter boy Anal lube.

   Any man who does that should be Hung!" The man slowly took a sip of his beer then quietly replied... "I am,......and that's why she is happy to mow the lawn.

   One hot sunny afternoon a man was sitting in his lawn-chair drinking beer and listening to the game, while his wife mowed the lawn. The Lady next store observed this and scolded him.... "How can you sit there and let your wife do the hard work? Any man w

   Dear bacon company - is it too challenging to make a package I don't need to destroy to get open and that doesn't leave my hands covered in grease?

   Breaking News: The National Weather Center has issued a tornado warning for Chattanooga TN. For your own safety head to Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, they're not worried about a touchdown there.......

   Joke of the day: Two old women were sitting in church. One leans over to her friend and said, "My butt is asleep." Her friend replied, "I know, I've heard it snore three times already."

   the recession must really be over...McDonald has brought back the Monopoly games!

   eat, drink, and be scary.

   I Just got super excited when Ice-ice Baby played on Pandora, Does that mean that I'm getting old? Yo man lets get outa hair, Word to your mother!!!!

   why is it that when you go to McDonald's they ask “Would you like any sauce for your chicken nuggets?”, but all along they know they are never going to give it to you, shady b*stards!