Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   heard on the news that Justin Bieber won like 2 million awards last night but he's only sold 4 CDs. wtf?

   Monday Meeting Autopilot: Shake hands...Good to see you...Squint at pie charts...Nod head...Fake chuckle at the jokes...Suppress yawn...Thank you...and Clap when the 3 hour anguish ends...

   brought my date a footlong sub thinking it would score me major points, but apparently I went to the wrong jared . . .

   believes it's time to celebrate nipples. Without them, boobies would be pointless!

   Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he cant wait to stick his head out the window into the wind??

   Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway??

   A fool proof way to find out if a girl likes ya... ring her up at 3am whilst she's asleep. If she texts you the day after and she includes LOL twice.... you've pulled.

   Are the people that leave their Christmas lights on the house and just turn them on in December smart or just plain lazy??

   Dear Curiosity, just put the gun down and lets talk this out.~ Sincerely, The Cat.

   Upstairs when I hear from my mom:"what is Tbagging?" all I could do is laugh then explain to her what it was. Now she won't let me go out on the weekends. :/

   If Juston Beiber is the AMA Artist of the year then I am the next Victoria Secret cover model.

   Eggnog....I get the egg part but, what the hell is "nog"

   If I was an MMA fighter and had cauliflower ear, I'd seriously consider cutting my ears off.

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...heheheehe...I said bush:)

   Dear Kanye, Roses are Red, Voilets are Blue, If Justin Bieber wins an AMA, you know what to do!

   I will accept this award for Shikira tonight because she was busted by the TSA for trying to smuggle her own ass into the country

   Marriage is a three ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then there's the suffering

   I don't always drink beer but when I do, I play good beer pong

   If the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.

   There r 3 kinds of people in this world.Ones who make things happen,Ones who watch things happen,And ones who wonder what the hell just happened!!!