Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   Wow!! Tension's in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender........

   If I select the "Advance Pat Down" option instead of the Full Body Scanner, do I get some Barry White music and a nice glass of Merlot?

   Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says, ”Every time I suck William's c*ck I get acid indigestion”. The Queen replies, ”Have you tried Andrews?”

   Christmas came early!!! Happy EIGHTEENTH Birthday Miley!!!

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   has done the mathematical calculations... Tuesday is the humpday of a 3-day work week.

   it costs 50 Cent to buy 2Pac's of Eminems...which is Ludacris!

   Mr. Peanut's last words: Bye, dear. Back in a Jif.

   says that "I call 'em like I see 'em" loosely translated to "Im a douchebag, deal with it"

   Morning cardio routine: Stretch. Gravity Hand Slam on snooze button. Pull arm back under covers. Roll over. Wait 9 Minutes. Repeat

   So my teenage kids can just about do anything with a any phone or computer or camera. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I had a new cordless phone that stored 10 numbers, and I could sit outside with it within distance

   overheard in the Oval Office: "If Bristol Palin wins tonight, we bomb Alaska in 10 minutes."

   Typos: The cause of many trivial arguments.

   does anybody actually say "booyah" anymore? I think those letters should be separated and granted restraining orders against each other

   I was watching 100 sexiest men on E! last night, and when then got to number 1 my TV turned into a mirror. *wink wink*

   loves the wind in my hair, the sun shining on my face while horseback riding. oh damn...i need another quarter

   Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   You know its going to be a rough day when you wake up on the wrong side of someone else's bed and don't remember how you go there.

   am addicted. I bought all the iPhone,iPad,iTouch...now iBroke,ihomeless and iRegret.