Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   after watching "The Walking Dead" premiere tonight on AMC. I'm going to dream about zombies tonight. Its okay becasue with my skills I'm sure I'll be the zombies nightmare.

   Going to create a new social networking site called Myface because it would be hilarious to hear someone say, "Have you been on myface today?"

   People who use sporks can't be trusted.

   can anyone tell me where that McDonald's is?.. ya know, the one in that commercial where you can drive thru 4 times in a row with your baby while no one else waiting in line.. AND get a free egg McMuffin and coffee?

   Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

   What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? El-if-i-no

   confused as a Amish guy at Best Buy.

   My insomnia has narcolepsy...

   For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.

   Many of you have asked what my ex-wife looks like. Just look up in the sky tonight... she's the one on the broom.

   I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

   Jesus turned water into wine!..ok..I can turn my whole paycheck into beer BAH!!!...your turn Jesus.

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   What is the scariest part of halloween? Giving away all you Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!

   Any intelligent man who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.

   Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

   Religion is a bit like porn: You know deep down it's all lies but you still buy it. It's a multi-billion dollar industry making a few people very rich. It distorts reality, inciting desires it never satisfies. AND the scripts it's based on are always sh*t

   internet is the only place where men are men, women are men, and 13 years old girls are FBI agents.

   Tornados in the North Texas area are very likely this afternoon. Meteorologists are urging the public to gather in the Dallas Cowboys Stadium where no touchdowns are possible this season!

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head