Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just ran into my ex at the store. He has a wonderful new girlfriend now. Much better than I ever was. So I told him I had half a sandwich in my car and did she want those leftovers, too.

   Beware of Alphabet Grenades. If you throw them, it could spell disaster.

   convinced they gave a day pass to the people in the old folks home so they could work the polls today.

   Does anyone else find it ironic that election day is on Dia de los Muertos? What a conundrum.

   Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"

   The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

   A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so friggin' heroic.

   I should run for office I'm tired of peeps getn free rides with 26 inch rims and and dont work

   So I'm listening to Pandora today, and I think I heard the most fitting name for a techno song that was on... called "This Is Acid"

   wondering why the yellow brick road never ended?

   Apparently "get naked" is not the correct response for "anything else I can do for you today?" from the hot male store clerk...Also: I need bail.

   To the guy in the stall next to me who's "attempting" to sit down...what's with all the TP? Are you a germaphobe or are you trying to build a freaking NEST?!

   likes to sit in the waiting area at the pharmacy, on my cell phone, telling my friend about the contagious rash I have that's covering 90% of my body and how the doctor's can't find a medicine that will work!!!

   Where's the dancing Kool-aid Man when you need him????

   Statistics show that 9 out of 10 can' t handle this!

   Went to Walmart last night and thought they were doing a special reinactment of "The Hills Have Eyes", but realized that they were all customers, as well.

   HATES IT when he's walking along minding his own business and then trips over his penis

   Why do older people scream into their cell phones?