Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use dryer sheets again!

   likes movies where the guy gets the girl in the end. That's why I like porn@ movies, because the guy usually gets the girl in both ends.

   starting to see some change I can believe in

   Ok who was the moron that came up with idea of the kiddie shopping carts shaped like animals,trains, race, cars or whatever! Parents do you really need to push your kids around the store in in a shopping cart bigger then the car you came to the store in!

   Great taco from Taco bell today......with the spoon of meat and all the lettuce I was not sure if it was for eating or smoking!

   with 60% of the precincts reporting. "U. R. Stilscrewed" looks to be the winner in the Senate, with "Ben Dover" holding a slim lead for Congress.

   This is what I spent all those years learning my ABDs for?

   I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing.

   Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.

   ELECTION DAY UPDATE: I just had some pizza and a soda.

   Its all fun and games until the k9 unit shows up and tell you to pop open the trunk. I wish I was never born

   thinks instead of Jerry Springer using a Boxing Bell; he should just tie Cow Bells around all the Heifer's Necks....

   just looked at Yahoo! Trending Now: Brett Favre and Britney Spears right next to each other. Uh-oh. This could get out of hand in a hurry...

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday. Maybe I should be a politician..

   They don't surprise the winner of the Retirement Home's Man of the year anymore.... That's how they lost last year's winner

   I must be some kind of food magician because every time I bite into a hard shelled taco I instantly have a hand full of nacho's.

   There is no place like home unless you are homeless...

   It's really hard raising a child by yourself, I don't know how my T.V. does it.

   For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

   does not understand why people say "if I won the lottery, I would still work"....im 100% sure I could find better things to do...especially when I'm rich