Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   decided to end all of his stories with "and the rest is history" from now on to make them seem more interesting. Example: "and that's why I decided to change toilet paper brands...and the rest is history"

   No, your *other* counterclockwise.

   My life coach just benched me.

   I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.

   Here's a gross thought: what if you thought you were having diarrhea, but you looked down and saw the toilet filled with dead spiders?

   Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."

   sai Yes to weed, No to cigarettez.

   Juston Beiber is the AMA Artist of the year, Wonder why every one hate america

   You know why Asian couples can't have there own Caucasian baby?? Because 2 wongs don't make a white.

   You're going to listen to what I play and fuggin like it........ Signed Pandora

   I'm a little bit hungry. I could eat a pony

   so I guess it's officially ok now, when you use a condom, to refer to it as "the pope hat"

   Enough with those "He went to Jared

   Lisa Lampanelli Eva Longoria to divorce Tony Parker over text msgs to other woman. Dude you can delete those things! Even O.J. knew to get rid of the knife!

   Gravity is a myth,earth sucks.

   You know Ive never understood those 1-900 numbers...It seems strange to me to pay to hear a woman's crazy talk on the phone for hours...Im gonna come up with my own 1-900 number where you pay a woman to just be quite for awhile...

   I asked this asian lady what she wanted to drink. She said: "Aren't you so nice." I said, "Well, thanks! So nothing to drink?" She said: "ORANGE JUICE NO ICE!"

   A statement on the entrance to a graveyard: This place is full of people who thought that the world can't do without them.

   Justin Bieber takes home Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards...and you wonder why the rest of the world hates us so much...

   just noticed that one of his neighbors has changed the name of their wireless network to "AmishOnly!"