Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesnt understand why some ppl are so sensitive to words...I guess there must be an essence of guilt behind those words,,,Get over it

   has hot water again...and a new found appreciation for her non plumber husband, who installed the HW heater perfectly...and looked kinda sexy with all that plumbers crack hangin out....hmmmm....think I'll go pollish his tool....!

   wondering if anybody can send me some energy... not farmville energy .. or not frontierville energy.. just plain body energy

   To save time, let's just assume I know everything.

   ‎"Only one store has been a part of your life for 150 years. That's the power of MACY'S" Wow! They're really targeting the seniors with this commercial!

   suffering from PMS (Pre Marital Stress)

   having a hard time deciding between a Boston Pancake or a German Knuckle Sandwich!

   Starbucks has announced that they will start selling beer and wine in their stores. Apparently, they've run out of sober people to sell their $9.00 cups of coffee to.

   Don't hope so....Wish so! Hope is nothing but a lazy wish :)

   When will it be socially acceptable to drink queso from a straw?

   Just brought his pet rock to the vet.

   I like my woman like I like my eggs....overeasy.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   I don't hold grudges. I simply maintain them until you apologize or admit that you are wrong.

   True colors always shine through smokescreens.

   Since being subtle is wasted on the naive...... I WANT A BB GUN FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!

   Hi, I was just curious cause I saw you noticing me so I'm just giving you a notice that I noticed you after you noticed me. Shall we chat or continue flirting from a distance?

   money talks and right now its saying "Nah nah nah nah nah...you can't catch me!"

   Oh, look at the time.... The big hand says Fuck, and the little hand says Off

   Why is "one" the loneliest number? I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed "number two."