Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.

   I may not be an organ donor, but I owe it to mankind to donate my humor to science!

   succesfully finished his rubiks cube, waiting for the paint to dry now

   I can hardly stand the wait, please christmas don't be late!!

   Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

   Dad, you are like a father to me.

   I won a trip to China now am stuck here waiting to win a trip back home

   I'm almost positive that Mariah Carey will give birth to a stuffed animal.

   found a short cut for this years Marathon

   Sarah Palin has a new reality TV show. Now all she has to do is enter reality.

   If your stepbrother is gay does that make him your half sister ?

   born with no eyelids. Doctor used some of the extra foreskin from my circumcision to make some. He said I would be fine, just a little cock-eyed.

   Studies show that excessive poking can make you go blind.

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. Shirley, he will be missed.

   Please stop telling me how poor you are via Facebook for iPhone.... really?

   The weather is such a slut, when its hot out it makes everyone take there cloths off, the wind is always blowing people, the rain make everybody wet, and the snow covers everybody in white stuff.

   I prefer to learn from someone elses mistakes.

   wants to go back in time and give the person just about to invent the "high five" a high five, then sit back and watch the universe implode

   I almost got to go skiing....but my husband got mad when he saw me spraying WD-40 on the bottom of his skis...

   my New Year's Resolution is to travel back in time and stop Jersey Shore from EVER being made.