Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing more awkward than buying condoms would be returning them.

   Plan A: Marry hot girl Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook Plan C: Ramen Noodles.

   My coworker is making love to her lunch, or at least that's what it sounds like.

   They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been cancelled.

   Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

   What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle?........... Fat.

   "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. 'Sort of.' It's just a filler. 'Sort of' - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, 'sort of' means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'"

   First love is when you meet in the moonlight and you find her lips pressed against yours. Married love is when you meet in the kitchen and she finds your trainers by the sink.

   "The meaning of the word Islam is 'submission' or 'surrender'. Which makes it surprising that's it's not a more popular religion in France."

   The American military now have so many warships that they're running out of patriotic and nostalgic names to call them. This culminates next month in the launch of the USS Fonzie."

   Technically, shoplifting from the Apple store only counts as scrumping."

   thinks its amazing how he just killed his catus by not watering it

   Our government is now blue/yellow. A bit like Ikea, except things from Ikea generally last 5 years

   The uglier the girl the closer she lives.

   it is always much easier to get a woman if you already have one

   you cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women

   You look like the type of person who would criticize a misspelling in a suicide note.