Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our parents would tell us when they were young they had to walk to school uphill both ways! Nowadays I tell my kids when I was young I used to play outside!

   Dear lunatic boyracer in the souped-up, loud BMW.. If you want to kill yourself by driving like an imbecile on icy roads kindly do this at 4am where you are very unlikely to take an innocent person with you.

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   Panhandling is so much easier with a red bucket and a bell.

   I'm about to overdose on Christmas music...

   You're always told to “Wear something bright at night” on the TV and in magazines. Last night when I went to the shop, I wore a white hat, white coat and white trousers – I got hit by a f-kin snow plough!

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!

   Buy condoms or play with yourself ! World Aids Day 2010

   to all the grandparents that told your kids I hope your kids are as bad as you... well played!

   ...put on your Yarmulke! here comes Hannukah! it's so fun-nukkah to celebrate Hannukah!

   Really not sure it Kinect for X-Box is the greatest idea for a society who already has a problem with laziness. If you want to use your entire body to play sports...then just play sports!

   I hate dealing with the "middle man" so Wednesday, please hurry and go away and let me see your Boss Friday... Thanks!

   The only thing more awkward than buying condoms would be returning them.

   Plan A: Marry hot girl Plan B: Marry average girl that can cook Plan C: Ramen Noodles.

   My coworker is making love to her lunch, or at least that's what it sounds like.

   They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been cancelled.