Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Random thought of the day: if you're late for Special Education class is it okay for the teacher to call you tardy??

   You know the economy is getting bad when the ice cream truck has a sign on it that says we now accept foodstamps, Visa and Mastercard.

   My life would make one really good Soap Opera, or at least four really bad country songs.

   The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!!!

   I wonder if stalking your stalker bothers them?

   Sometimes while I drink my coffee I stare out the window and ask myself "How many people am I going to cuss out today"

   Well....thats the last time I mow the lawn naked...

   Uses profanity the way Picasso used a paintbrush.

   Look, if we get caught, just act like we don't speak English. Ok?

   Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

   Why are the women in maxipad commercials always wearing white pants? Don't they realize it's after labor day?

   A woman woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!' 'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'

   A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin."

   Once they learn how to prevent pizza rolls from exploding out molten hot lava, then I'll believe in the ability if science.

   never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

   RIP to all the snowmen who died fighting the sun

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   about to do something awesome, again, but she told herself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.

   I make, picking up my dry cleaning, look like a drug deal. That way people always wonder what I am laundering!