Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   The TSA, groping and handling more packages than USPS since 2001!

   Being a housewife is hard work! Some nights I only get 10 hours of sleep.

   A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.

   Friendly Reminder to all: Is "Poke" a Blonde Week! poke ur favorite blonde, or all!

   going to set up a dating website for pyromanics and call it mymatchbook

   madder than a midget with a yoyo!

   gastric bypass...gives new meaning to your eyes are bigger than your stomach.

   Do you go down on the first date?.....oh wait this isn't Zoosk.

   believes that all you need in a tool box is Duct Tape and WD40. If it moves and shouldn't, use Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD40

   You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you'd like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.

   looʇs ɹɐq ʎɯ uo ʞɔɐq ǝɯ ʇnd ǝsɐǝld

   went to the book store the other day to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

   What a good morning!* *Facebook status update may or may not contain BS.

   wishes God hadn't hidden all of my talents so well.

   Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you don't know where to start? That's why I'm on Facebook.

   Really suffering from PMS today - Premature Monday Syndrome.

   I don't get it?? How are dead people making new songs? On the radio it just said MJs new tune? It's the same with 2pac? Great skills... It's gonna be the same when I kick the bucket, I'm still gonna update Facebook

   I drank my 8 glasses of water today. Well... 90% water anyway, there may have been some barley, hops, and yeast mixed in there for taste

   My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.