Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.

   All the M&M's in this bag are dead...

   Dear woman behind the counter at CVS: I want to thank you for snickering when I was buying tampons for my wife, it made the situation just a little more akward!

   I did what everyone did and changed my profile picture to my fave cartoon character and now am wondering, how on earth will this help me get laid?

   If I grow weed in farmville, sell it in mafia wars, reckon how many farkle points I could get for a quarter bag?

   What did the suspenders say to the pants? "What's Up, Britches!"

   changing my profile pic isn't going to change anything is this world..i'd rather donate a bit of money than change my pic.

   Throughout all this freezin weather and snow we have been gettin,all my mrs has done is stare through the window.....i guess if it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in !!!

   It doesn't really matter how high you can jump, or how fast you can go... it's all about how well you can bounce.

   thinks that punctuality is appreciated in all situations except in bed.....apparently women are not for the whole "coming too early" thing!

   at what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?

   I like it when my wife calls me to check up on me. I feel like one of Charlies Angels.

   ATTENTION BIEBER FANS: All shows have been cancelled until after the holidays. Sorry for the inconvenience, but Santa needs him in the workshop.

   would be a hoarder but I cant find my wallet

   i wonder if they have a pill for premature procrastination

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

   Dear Santa, I thought I'd save you some time. There's no need to check your list. I've been very, very, naughty. I'll try again next year. P.S Why do you have to be so damn judgemental?

   It just dawned on me that Yogi Bear and Boo are just Fred and Barney with fur. (Think about it)

   According to recent posts... Betty Rubble just got a booty call from Optimus Prime. Barney, you stand no chance. Just walk way.

   They say you always want what you can't have. Well I just had another beer and proved that theory to be incorrect.