Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Snookie's gonna drop in the ball on New Years? Really? That's a family thing not a stripper pole!!!

   F*ck your Four Loko. I swallowed my Day-Quil with 5 Hour energy & a latte & now my pet unicorn Steve & I are off to bake cheesecakes.

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   Started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.

   How do 3 gay guys sit on 1 bar stool? ..... They flip it upside down

   You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"

   I have 2 tons of that white global warming arctic packing material in my driveway right now going by the undercover name of "snow".

   wonder I dyslexics if can read this.

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth when I'm drunk...thank you...

   watching It's Complicated and thinking it's really not that complicated. Meryl Streep is sleeping with her married ex- husband Alec Baldwin and at the same time her Architect Steve Martin.I think I got it figured out..

   I'm looking foreword to being the drunken version of wikiLeaks at our office holiday party this year!

   increasingly tempted to use the 'Like' button as a subversive, vaguely passive-aggressive weapon. For instance, some shithead I recently deleted who I was never too keen on, announced that his car had been stolen...It seeemed an ideal moment to click like

   127.0.0.1 I wish I was with you right now and not at work. I would love to crawl in your nice warm bed and snuggle under the covers.

   I hate people that say " He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say " He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."

   There is no such thing as being underdressed when you're going to Wal-Mart.

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

   Darnit, my kufi doesn't match my dashiki. What on earth will I wear for Kwanzaa??

   Dong. Oh Dong! Where is my automobile?

   I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone