Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A fool proof way to find out if a girl likes ya... ring her up at 3am whilst she's asleep. If she texts you the day after and she includes LOL twice.... you've pulled.

   Are the people that leave their Christmas lights on the house and just turn them on in December smart or just plain lazy??

   Dear Curiosity, just put the gun down and lets talk this out.~ Sincerely, The Cat.

   Upstairs when I hear from my mom:"what is Tbagging?" all I could do is laugh then explain to her what it was. Now she won't let me go out on the weekends. :/

   If Juston Beiber is the AMA Artist of the year then I am the next Victoria Secret cover model.

   Eggnog....I get the egg part but, what the hell is "nog"

   If I was an MMA fighter and had cauliflower ear, I'd seriously consider cutting my ears off.

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...heheheehe...I said bush:)

   Dear Kanye, Roses are Red, Voilets are Blue, If Justin Bieber wins an AMA, you know what to do!

   I will accept this award for Shikira tonight because she was busted by the TSA for trying to smuggle her own ass into the country

   Marriage is a three ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then there's the suffering

   I don't always drink beer but when I do, I play good beer pong

   If the Indians had given the pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ass on Thanksgiving.

   There r 3 kinds of people in this world.Ones who make things happen,Ones who watch things happen,And ones who wonder what the hell just happened!!!

   I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

   If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,why are they still working??

   not many people know that Albert Einstein had a brother that an evil scientist used to experiment on. His name was FrankEinstein

   Winnie the Pooh was based on psychological problems. Winnie has an eating disorder. Piglet suffers from anxiety.Eeyore has major depression. Tigger has ADHD.Rabbit has OCD. & Christopher Robin must be a drug addict if his stuffed animals talk to him

   Relationship has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

   I don't think there is anything funny about hitting your funnybone...