Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wanted a good job and to drive fancy cars... finally I am a valet.

   Why does the new thomas the train commercial say it's so easy to score??

   Don't slap my ass then apologize.

   You need to carry Lifesavers on you religiously because they will serve their purpose. In your pockets & in your car. Do it. Trust me.

   So my daughter who is 6 years old (about to be 7 in January) can text on her cell phone, google and youtube Justin Beiber videos on my laptop. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I knew how to dial 911 on the house phone!

   Justin Bieber wins at the American Music Awards...reason enough to declare war on Canada

   The only turkey I'll be having on Thursday most likely is the wild kind, on the rocks

   ummmm...nothin like wild turkey for thanksgiving.

   thought he wanted a career...years of experience have taught him that what he really wanted was just the paychecks.

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it's still on the list.

   decided to end all of his stories with "and the rest is history" from now on to make them seem more interesting. Example: "and that's why I decided to change toilet paper brands...and the rest is history"

   No, your *other* counterclockwise.

   My life coach just benched me.

   I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.

   Here's a gross thought: what if you thought you were having diarrhea, but you looked down and saw the toilet filled with dead spiders?

   Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."

   sai Yes to weed, No to cigarettez.

   Juston Beiber is the AMA Artist of the year, Wonder why every one hate america

   You know why Asian couples can't have there own Caucasian baby?? Because 2 wongs don't make a white.