Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had it my way my ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future would be Raquel Welch, Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba.

   ✔ Food ✔ Beer ✔ More food ✔ Suit ✔ Laundry ✔ Wine ❒ Christmas Gifts ..... Damn

   hoping to be visited by the ghost of Christmas Past. That way I can go back gaze upon those great times.

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

   a quick message to all who sent me good wishes for Christmas last year - they didn't work - so... this year can I have money, vouchers and alcohol please ;)

   bored, tell me a secret below. I won't tell anyone, I promise.

   Notice: Thank you for noticing this notice. Your noticing this notice has been noticed.

   If I haven't seen you naked enter your name below so we can sort this problem out :P

   Pregnancy Advice: A stork might bring you a baby, but a swallow never will.

   The cops found a missing person with nappy hair, crusty feet, doo-doo stained undies, holding a Happy Meal bag. I'm worried SICK... are you okay?

   Speeding Ticket Excuse... I thought you wanted to race

   I hate when people put every detail of everything they do on here! I don't want to know about what you are doing at every moment, be right back I have to poop!

   Words of Wisdom: "Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you"

   I'm confused at why people need to be told how to lose weight. Is it really that confusing?? Quit shoving so much food down your throat....the end!!!

   Dear Santa, could you please tell me the meaning of "GOOD"? I'm a little confused of which list I'm on.......

   I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.

   The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.

   A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

   What are a man's three favorite games? Checker, Chess & Poker. (If you didn't get this say it quickly to yourself)

   Every good friend once was a stranger.