Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

   told my son today, "I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have an issue!"

   I be the same people that brag about how nice and warm it is where they are right now are the same people that were spoiled brats when they were kids.

   Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

   We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that down somehow.

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   The only good thing about having your mother as a FB friend is that no matter how bad your status update bombs in your attempt to be funny, you can always count on her to "like' it

   Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.

   I really wish I hadn't heard that, I would be so much happier not knowing.

   Gonna try grocery shopping drunk. Can't believe I've never thought if this before.

   Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork

   When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.

   Who would win: Twenty years of experience combined with specialized professional training vs. Google?

   I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.

   Any one can stay true to your face, it's the people who stay true behind your back that really count.

   "I'll give you a TKO from Tokyo!" ~ Piston Honda

   I'll take the high road but only after taking a little joy ride on the low road to leave tread marks behind.