Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone know of a quick test to tell if you're cool? I mean...obviously...I'm just asking this for a friend....

   Women never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back

   Number 1 drinking rule: NEVER DRINK ALONE... Come on Sponge Bob let's have another drink.

   I have discovered the best way to get a mani pedi as a guy and still have it be manly. Take your daughter and just be the awesome Dad who's bonding with her over something she likes... nobody can question that and all the single moms just swoon. Bonus!

   Pointing And LOLing, At Kids Falling Off Their New RipStik They Got For Christmas.

   I have all these kung-fu skills and no ninjas too fight...I'm starting too think I'm living in the wrong city....

   Dear Santa, I don't recall asking for a bigger butt for Christmas. It's not that I don't appreciate all the gifts that you brought me, but I'd just like to know... can I exchange it for a smaller size?

   the only person in history to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.

   Only 364 shopping days till Christmas..

   Oysters are fantastic, if you like the taste of snot that's been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later.

   When a girl tells you you're not getting any, before you ask, before you even try, you're getting some

   Girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you're disconnected

   Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...

   just got in an argument with my Mom regarding investment decisions...turns out even if you hold multiple degrees in finance ur still a kindergarten goin kid in ur Moms eyes...sigh..:(

   3 girls I graduated with got engaged yesterday! I, on the other hand, was engaged in knitting in my snuggie while watching "It's a Wonderful Life" for about the hundredth time, and playing Robot Unicorn Attack. Thinking maybe I should get out more....

   I don't need a "Plan B" because my "Plan A" is awesome.

   To the advice of my lawyer, it's in my best intrest not to post a status tonight.

   Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡

   And as another Christmas ends my mind drifts and once again, I'm thinking like a six year old. Only 364 days to go.