Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...

   Just Overheard on BlackOps online;Guy 1: YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION!!!! Guy 2: I know I Hate my sister!

   My neck is sore from whipping my hair back and forth all night...

   Just beheaded my neighbor's snowman and placed it on a stake on his front lawn.

   Post a pic of your favorite nut to help raise awareness of testicular cancer. The goal is to see nothing but nuts for the rest of the year. (

   Santa loves the rich kids more.

   Great Job!! Children across the globe have stopped being abused because you let them know what your favorite childhood cartoon character was.

   Just drank enough NyQuil to sedate a family of hippos.

   in a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

   Wilma Flintstone just told the world to F-ck off, He-Man is spending the night with Strawberry Shortcake, and Smufette isn't going out because she got hammered last night at the club. ...Thank you FaceBook for retro-ruining my childhood.

   It's that time of year again when I don't need the refrigerator to keep the beer cold.

   Facebook: helping people stay in touch with their exs they shouldn't be staying in touch with, one break up at a time.

   I was about to beat up a toddler until I saw everyone's cartoon Facebook pics and got an overwhelming urge to stop.

   :On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladan how good was my hiding place?

   I just tricked a vegan into reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul"

   I hope South Pole doesn't respond to increased North Pole activity with military exercises. Everybody settle down.

   Join the fight against high heating cost by supporting your local heating assistance program. Change your profile pic to a pic of your cold nipples and together we can stop the winter cold. The goal is to turn fb into all nipples by Dec 21st.

   Really needs a nap, I guess I will pop "Eat, Pray, Love" back in the blu-ray, should be out in seconds!

   Misery may love company, but the miserable rarely have company.

   Today I heard that song where the dogs bark Jingle Bells. I must admit those are some pretty talented canines. I've been working on that song with my dog for two years straight and he still gets mixed up during the third verse. He's not the brightest.